You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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