You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
