I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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