I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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