i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
