idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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