tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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