well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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