A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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