White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
