U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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