And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
