I should be sponsored by Trojan
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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