someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize