i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
