We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
