I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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