Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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