wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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