Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
