i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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