I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
