I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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