How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
