yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
