One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
