yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
