Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
