I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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