Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
