I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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