I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What drink are we having for lunch?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
