I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
