There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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