btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
