you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize