This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
