I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
