Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
