she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
