My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
