i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
