He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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