someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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