letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
