you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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