my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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