I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
