you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
