She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
