Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
