I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
