Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
