He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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