If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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