I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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