I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
