You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
