we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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