Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
