My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
